


I don't want to save you from anyone but yourself

by dannybsdadbod



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor is sad too, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Taylor is really sad, everyones sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 19:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14983604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannybsdadbod/pseuds/dannybsdadbod
Summary: Connor and Taylor reconnect at the NHL Awards and actually speak to one another for the first time since That Phone Call in 2016.Taylor has a lot of anger in him, a lot of sadness. Little does he know, so does Connor.





	I don't want to save you from anyone but yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stonesnuggler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonesnuggler/gifts).



> This is for my very best friend, stonesnuggler 
> 
> Glowing by Slaughter Beach, Dog is where this fics title stemmed from. It accompanies the fic v well if I do say so myself. Give it a listen! 
> 
> TW: Undertones of anxiety for Taylor  
> If I missed any tags, please let me know!

Connor and Taylor meet up for the first time in the hallway of the 5th floor. Connor is sitting on a bench in the small lobby area of their floor, reading an article on his phone, when Taylor finds him. 

Taylor has a cup of hot coffee in his hands, gripping it with both hands. Taking in the warmth even though they’re in the desert in the middle of the summer. 

 

“Hot coffee still, eh?” Connor smirks a little. 

Taylor raises his eyebrows and nods, “Yeah.”

“Taylor it’s like. 32 degrees.”

Taylor shrugs, “I like my hot coffee.”

“I know you do.” With steamed milk and one Splenda. Connor knows. Connor could never forget. 

Taylor hesitates before walking away, “Do you wanna uh. Come to my room?” 

“Yeah,” Connor smiles warmly. “I’d like that. 

 

They get into Taylors room and Taylor just hovers in the main room part of the suite. Not sure what to do now. He didn’t think this through. 

 

"It’s good to see you," Connor smiles soft, not sitting down yet. 

"Yeah," Taylor nods, kinda pursing his lips. He’s looking down as if his coffee is the most interesting thing in the world and not a plain, manilla colored cup.

Connor sighs, "Can you at least look at me?" 

Taylor shakes his head a little, picking at the sleeve on his cup. 

"Why not?"

" _ Why _ ? So that I can be reminded of everything I've lost? Everything that's been taken away from me?" 

"Tay..."

"I cant."

"Please?" Connor's voice is thin, quiet. Sad.

 

For the first time, Taylor realizes that this isn't all about him. 

 

Taylor looks up and sees tears in Connor’s eyes and fuck.  _ Fuck. _

 

Taylor crosses to him, stopping before he gets in his personal space. He can’t do that. Neither of them can handle that. 

"You aren’t the only one who lost something when you got traded," Connor mumbles. "I lost my best friend. the man I loved. you left and... and didn't look back."

"Well, why would I, Connor? This team didn't want me. This city didn’t want me. Why would someone like Connor McJesus want someone as mediocre as me?!" 

Connor flinches a little. Taylor _ knows  _ how the McJesus thing gets to him. 

 

"You’re not mediocre," Connor mumbles quietly. 

"If I were anything above mediocre, maybe I'd still be in Edmonton. Maybe you and I would be living out a fairy tale life. But I’m not. And you are."

 

"I didn’t choose that!" Connor gets mad. He gets mad for the first time in two years. He’s mad and frustrated and he won’t hold that in any longer. He physically can’t hold it in any longer. "You think I wanted to step in and get this burden of saving a franchise on my shoulders? That so many great players before me  _ couldn’t _ do? because it’s  _ helpless _ under this fucking GM in this city?! You think I wanted the love of my goddamned life shipped away?  _ Because of me. _ Even if i had no choice?" Connor blinks back tears. He cant cry. “You were my everything. My best friend. The man I loved. And you left. You had no choice to leave Edmonton, but you had a choice to leave me. And you did.”

“Con–”

"It wasn’t just you, Taylor.”

"I couldn’t.." Taylor's voice gets caught in his throat. 

"Yeah, I know. I’ve heard all the excuses, Taylor."

 

“I still love you,” Connor says quietly. “I tried not to. I don’t want to. But I do.”

“Connor,” Taylor’s voice comes out as a breath more than a sound. 

“I don’t want your pity. I just… Guess I wanted to get that out. Or something.”

“Or something,” Taylor nods. 

“So uh, let’s just be civil for this week and then you can go back to pretending I don’t exist.” Connor goes to leave.

 

“That doesn’t work,” Taylor says. 

“Hm?” 

“Pretending you don’t exist. That doesn’t work. Not when you’re in my news, when you’re in my dreams, when you’re all I fucking see when I close my damn eyes. I try and try to ignore you. Forget that you exist, forget that  _ we _ existed. Because you don’t exist in my life anymore. But I can’t just. Forget you, Connor. You don’t just forget Connor McDavid after you know him as well as I had the chance to.”

 

Connor swallows, still facing the door. He puts himself out on a limb. 

 

“You don’t need to forget me.”

“It hurts so bad, Connor,” Taylor whispers. He feels like his stomach is going to drop out from under him. He feels like he’s gonna drop his coffee. His knees are gonna give. Something’s gotta give by now, Taylor thinks. 

“You walk around with this chip on your shoulder. And yeah, sure, maybe the world put it there. But what have you done to take it off?”

Taylor sits down on the ottoman, it’s the closest thing to him. “I felt like I lost everything in 2016. It isn’t that easy to just. Bounce back.”

“I’m not saying that you have to,” Connor turns around to face Taylor. “I’m just saying that… maybe you could start.” Connor shrugs, lips tugging up a little, “With a little help. If you want it.”

Taylor smiles small, looking up at Connor. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

 

Connor walks to Taylor, squatting in front of him, putting his hand over Taylor’s. 

“It might not be easy but. I think it’s about time we let ourselves heal. We’ve had enough time to lick our wounds separately. Let’s allow us to ask for help now, okay?”

“I’ve never been good at that,” Taylor chuckles. 

“Tell me about it,” Connor rolls his eyes, smiling. And this, this feels alright. This feels. Strangely and horribly normal. But also kind of okay in some way. Like this has been missing from him. He’s just had this black hole of contempt and sadness and gross shit since he got that phone call in 2016.

 

“It’s scary,” Taylor says, later that night, after all of the events of the day. When they’re back in Taylor’s suite laying in his bed together. 

“I know it is,” Connor says. 

“I’ve been living this one way for so long. I’ve grown… god, this sounds stupid, but almost sort of accustomed to it? Like. Accustomed to the sadness that follows me. The anger. The frustration.  And I’ve just, let it manifest itself inside my chest. And letting go of it is…”

“Yeah,” Connor nods. “Yeah.”

 

Taylor lets Connor kiss his head. Lets Connor hold him. Lets himself hold Connor. 

They don’t sleep, just stay up together. Sometimes talking, sometimes crying, just. Being with each other. Finally. After two years, they allow themselves to be together. 

It’ll take a while to get back to whatever their normal used to be, but this is a start. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by this picture (https://twitter.com/NJDevils/status/1009193997032550400) of Connor McFondEyes and heard this song and was just. Inspired, I guess?


End file.
